Forced Down The Memory Lane

I was walking down to a departmental store at the next lane to my home and I preferred to walk down to get a bit of exercise after being on my bed all the time relaxing after never ending exam schedule. On the way I saw my neighbor’s daughter whose name I was desperately trying to remember all these days and the name just came as a flash of lightening to me. I was trying to remember this li’l girl’s name for a week and I kept on saying… its some English word… and not a desi name… and made a lot of guess works but nothing worked and I felt embarrassed to ask her name either to her or anyone. Means come on I am reaching 25 and I can’t be so old not to remember names.  And when I was not thinking of her I remembered her name. I really wondered how the mechanism of the memory gland works.

The memory gland has a lot of space for improvement… seriously! When I am reading my notes or even a book for instance I remember all sorts of unimportant things that start to seem important as they constantly flash before me. I have devised a new way to shoo them off… I call my aunt. She was the one who has taken care of me since the day I was born. She was always so soft and amiable otherwise but when it came to my studies she turned into Hitler. So whenever my studies are interrupted by some silly thoughts I call out her name loudly and the thoughts evaporate.

But sometimes when there are some things that just haunt me. They are neither trivial nor important rather they should mean nothing to me, but they are strong enough to traumatize me, throw a chill through my spine and even my aunt’s name is unable to drive these thoughts away. They are neither good nor bad memories but just experiences that I try to flee from. But they just come, like a recurring migraine attacks or menstrual cycles… painful, stinky and inevitable.

They make me go lame and weak, and I am left tongue tied. It’s like a film with excessively bright colored video which hurt my eyes and a high pitched volume and the bass and treble settings are to their maximum which is enough to darken my mind with its presence.  It doesn’t matter if I close or keep my eyes open; the film doesn’t fade away till I am exhausted to a level of being semi conscious. I wanna be dead at that moment… go into trance and then never return but the moment I start feeling weightless and I move outwards there’s a knock on my door, which interrupts my astral journey… a journey started to never look back.

Twilight

Rain was rattling on the glass window panes… the drops made a mosaic on it… soon the fast moving images of people walking by the road… lightings flashing as hard they could from the headlights of the cars got blurred… the fast growing fog blocked my vision… now only the moving heads and dimmed flashes of light reached me. The candles were bleeding now leaving pools of wax around the stands that I had cleaned up for the whole day for that evening.

That evening was special… it was 21^st September… indeed very special… it was our anniversary. The table with champagne and roses was waiting for some mushy-mushy moments and I was waiting for something else. The sky was grey and soon it seemed to have borrowed the color from the peacock green chiffon that draped me. It kept on sliding over my arms, no matter how hard I tried to tug the pleats over my shoulder… I felt like one of those models who campaign for the body lotions or waxing strips!!!

The light within the room was turning warm dipped with the hues of yellow… orange maybe… and the darkness painted the ambience outside. The street lights were on… the hoardings shone bright against the slate sky. I felt like sitting inside a glass cabinet and waiting for the eternity to get a breath of fresh air… to feel the raindrops on my parched soul… to free myself…

I was sitting by the window for 3 hours now… and nothing stirred inside the room… not even the flames of the candles… they were steady burning their way up, while there was topsy-turvy outside. The record I was playing had stopped but the music echoed through the silence that held the room from falling apart. Then something disturbed the steadiness that was in the room… I could hear footsteps and I couldn’t decide I should be happy or stern so I choose to be plain. There was no confusion inside but the confidence of clear conscience is disturbing... especially when it involves emotions. He stood before me and I gestured at him asking him to sit on the empty chair in front of me.

For a long while we continued to stare outside in union… the thing I had been doing all evening. I guess that was the only time when we actually looked in the same direction, I thought ironically. He seemed to have heard my thought not because we could communicate without speaking… that usually happens when there’s love… it was because of the silence in the room. He looked towards me and then we got up and moved towards the table where the champagne awaited us. I got the food to the table… while he made himself comfortable on the chair. I kept the food on the table and looked at it… I felt pleased about myself as I had finally learnt to set up a dinner table. He opened the bottle… the cork fell on the floor covered with my favorite Persian carpet… which got a bit smeared up with the champagne and I shot a stern look at him and he clenched and apologized in gestures. I gulped the drink as I never really liked champagne… but he as usual enjoyed having it… his eyes and this calm face said it all. Soon the cluttering of the spoons and forks started.

The ordeal was over and I moved back to the cozy chair near the window, leaving the plates undone. He followed me and the echo of the record was still humming as there were no words. I was sitting my legs crossed… the left over right… and in an hour’s time they cramped so I decided to change the position of my legs… right over left… and the chiffon drape got stuck in my anklets. I bent down to free the fabric from the golden clutch it had wedged itself into. I somehow couldn’t set it free… and I moved my lashes up and fluttered them in anticipation asking him to help me with it… and he dint move. I gestured this time and he still dint move adding to my exasperation… finally I broke the silence… “Can you ever lend me a hand when I am stuck??? Why you have to just sit and watch me struggling all the time??? Get your butt moving out of that chair and help me!!! Or at least say something!!! Am I that beautiful that you’re always so dumbstruck???” and he smiled.

Someone whispered in my ears, “Whom are you talking to???” I turned around and found no one there and the voice resembled my voice and I smiled to myself thinking I talk to much with myself these days and then I looked towards him and he wasn’t there… the chair in front of me was empty… I got up to see where he was and wobbled as the chiffon was still stuck up in my anklet which jingled when I worked on it… and finally I made my way out of the mess and walked towards the door… It was locked from inside, that meant he was inside… I checked the bedroom the bed was made up perfect, no noise in the bathroom… no light in the study… where did he go??? He surely hadn’t jumped off the window as it was closed too. While I was carrying out my chase, I passed by the dinner table…

The table was set really well… I again appreciated myself and took a few steps forward and then turned back… my glass of champagne was empty and his was full… my plate had the bits n pieces of leftovers and his one was full… and I got back to my seat by the window and whispered a little aloud… “Whom was I talking to???” No one was around… it was just me and… don’t know what to call it… memories… imagination… or was it him???

LOVE???

When you are 16... LOVE comes as you have always expected it to come... like a fresh fragrance of the new blossom of the spring...
With the time it fades... and then you overcome the teenage mania...


That time LOVE happens all of a sudden... like off-season rains and fills your mind and soul with the fragrance of the wet soil... this fragrance lingers around for a few seconds and just fizzles out... and you keep craving for it to come again and the desire to experience it builds up...


And the time fly...


When you are mature... and when you start believing that the love happens only in films or romantic novels... you tend to supersede the era of romance...


And one fine day when you are alone... engrossed in thoughts of infinity... and the sleep creeps in... makes your eyelids heavy and your head tumbles down you experience the essence of LOVE... A FRAGRANCE OF MUSK... THAT LIES WITHIN AND STILL YOU SEEK IT ALL OVER...


This realization has solved the mystery of the most passionate, poetic and a beautiful word called LOVE for me... hope it does for you as well...

memories...

nature's texture