Twenty years had passed without leaving much trails of the
past he once lived in... He thought there was not much to it which he had left
behind to peruse. This thought of ignorance was the foundation of the bliss on
which he had built his today. His present was unblemished and shining as
crystal clear glass... not a spot to conceal... not a splinter to mend... not
even hint of grime to wipe out. He was a happy man with a family that loved
him... with friends who were loyal to him... and the society that respected
him. He was content with his life and the world around... completely unaware of
the fact that the corpse of his past had stepped out of its grave.
He was away from his country but he created a diminutive of
his homeland around him. He followed the rules laid down in the ancient texts
of his religion... he performed rites and rituals and lived in accord to the
culture of the country he had left behind twenty years ago. Distance breaks the
dormancy of the coldness and the longing bursts open the volcano beneath... and
flows down the love and respect for one’s own culture and religion. The people
living away from their countries tend to get back to the roots from where they
have emerged than those who live there. He himself looked surprised and awestruck
at his own image in the mirror when he wore traditional attire... and smirked
at the thought how old fashioned and un-cool he considered all this when he was
young and lived in his own country with his parents. He had craved to escape
from that place and its orthodoxies as soon as he could and breathe free in the
fresh airs of a foreign land where nothing could bind him... And now... he was
a mature man with slight of grey strands in his dark mane... a few lines on his
face that deepened when he smiled or frowned and a little paunch which
struggled with his gripping belt... sniffed even a piece of parchment that
travelled through his motherland... his home...
One fine day he got a call from his cousin informing him
about his father having suffered a massive stroke and he had no option to rush
for making arrangement to get back to his home... to be next to his ailing
father. His father after the death of his mother chose to live alone in their
house where he had spend 50 wonderful years with the woman he loved the most
and seen the ups and downs of the life... seen a young son move on with his
life... move ahead and never to turn back and return. Last time he had come
back to this home when his mother passed on and then it was when he tried to
persuade his father to join him and his family, which his father had flatly
refused.
He packed his stuff and his wife managed with the rest of
the packing. They all left for the airport and awaited the flight to board. His
kids though understanding the gravity of the situation could not hide their
exhilaration to go back to their roots. He sat quite... he couldn’t participate
in any of the mundane things that were happening around him. A kind of fear
gripped him... he feared that like his mother he would not be able to have a
last word with his father. He thought of the innumerable arguments he had with
his father when he was staying with them... and the plethora of silence that congealed
between them when he left his home and settled elsewhere. His father hadn’t
talked to him since the day he had set his foot outside the house. He could
simply not bear watch him move out and hurt his mother. Her tears and longing
deepened the silence between the father and son and now he wondered will his
father choose to speak to him his final words... He came back to his today with
the ring of his cell phone, it was his cousin who informed him that his father
was put on ventilator and this assured him that he will indeed be able to meet
if not talk with his father for the last time.
The sixteen hour flight had tired him immensely but he chose
not to rest but to leave for the hospital from the airport itself. He sent away
his wife and children to his ancestral home to freshen up and settle down. He
took a taxi to the hospital and on the way soaked himself in the familiar air
and the smell of the soil he had craved for. Till his taxi halted before the
hospital gate he was in the state of thoughtlessness but the moment he took
steps towards the ICU where his father lay counting his last breaths a sense of
panic gripped him. His mother when alive was a communication link between them
and after his mother, his wife and kids. He had always dreaded to be in the
same room with his father as there was nothing to talk about and even if there
was, words were just not enough to convey the feelings.
He entered the ICU and sat beside his ailing father. His
father seemed so peaceful despite the pain he was in. His presence was noticed
and his father struggled with his drooping eyelids to glance at him... the last
words his father spoke to him were... “I’ve to get going... she is waiting for
me...”
What a wonderful way to go he thought and the tears trickled
down his slightly wrinkled face. He removed his specs and wiped the streams
oozing out of his eyes and seemed endless. After cremating his father and going
through the ordeal of meeting the mourners was simply unbearable for him. He
realised that now he was the head of the family... he was left with no one to
look upon... his decisions would be final... sardonically they always had
been... but loosing parents is a feeling that tears off the last shred that
connects you with your childhood... the days innocence... and the moments of being
carefree. A week had passed with mourning guests and umpteen visitors who paid condolences
to him. It had finally seeped into him that he was orphaned... and now he had
to stand alone...
His stay in there was almost over and his wife had started
wrapping up... he too felt the need to get over this lethargic pain and move
on... but something kept him anchored down. He finally decided that he shall
extend his leave and stay back for a while. His wife was worried for him but he
assured her that he will be fine after she and the kids leave. It took him a
while to convince his wife but she seemed to have understood that all he needed
was solitude. He sent off his family back and instead of taking a cab from the
airport he walked down.
The dusk had crept in and the sky was getting darker... a
splash of colours spread through the horizon and he walked on. When he stopped
walking and looked around he realised that he wasn’t standing before his own
house... it was that place... the place where his past awaited him...
He was standing before the old ruins of a vibrant place
where he would often hangout with his friends when he was in college. This relic
was the reminiscence of his “good ol’ days”... This place was always in ruins
but now it seemed more abandoned. With the oncoming of pubs and discos this
place failed to attract the youth. It was leftovers of an old ‘could have been’
a haveli or something of that sorts. He and his friends would often come
down to this place to get high. The voices from the distant past were echoing around...
“Man! This place gives a better kick!!! Even more than this joint!!!” echoed
the voice of his own along with the cheers of his friends. He smiled to himself
and walked around to peruse the place...
This place had all the accounts of the “fun” he had in his
youth. This was the place where he had brought her along with him on their first
date. The date concept didn’t exist in his time nor did the cosy coffee shops
that avail utmost privacy to the couples today. When you are young the
possibilities are abundant and nothing seems impossible... the first love would
be the last and be the eternal one... and
every love story in itself was capable of making it to the accounts of history...
he smiled once again. He never thought that one day he will have to leave his
home... his family... and her and move on in life. When he had told her that it’s
time for him to move on and chase his aspirations, she had given him a warm
smile in his support.
“My father doesn’t understand me sweetheart... he wants me
to join the family business and I want to make it big in life... all by myself.
My dreams and aspirations are beyond his typical business class mentality. I want
to travel around the world... explore places that offer a lot more than
money... it’s just that I want to break free...” he turned towards her and
asked, “you’re understanding what I am saying... right?” and to this she dint
reply but simply smiled at him. He started discussing his plans with her and
she just stared at the lake in front of them. The lake was free of ripples...
calm... and so was she. She nodded once or twice and he kept on talking. She dint
question him nor did he think it was important for him to say anything about
their relationship.
About one year back he had brought her the first time to
this place and then they visited often... this relic had registered every
account of their love... their union to their parting away. He had promised to
meet her one last time before he left to the far off country but couldn’t make
it on the last moment. Their parting away had no goodbyes...
He walked towards the lake thinking about the time he had
spent with her. The memories of his first love never followed him in his desired
journey... it had faded in the bright luminance of his success. He loved his wife but somehow the place had
its own effect on him... and he just couldn’t stop the flashback running in his
brain. Her face was so vivid... her fragrance lingered around and he felt her
presence. He could see her in front of the lake where they once sat together. He
thought he was imagining but the image dint fade even if he looked away and
blinked over and over. This was something he hadn’t expected... he was not sure
of walking towards her or not but his feet gained momentum. He reached her...
and to his amazement she was sitting there...
He thought for a moment and then sat beside her keeping a
distance and then she tilted her head in his direction (oh! He loved the way
she would look at him tilting her head and gazing at him through the curtain of
her lustrous black hair...). He was awestruck again but managed to smile. It was
like travelling through time... That moment seemed so primordial to him... it
seemed to be a story of some other age... or some other birth. The place minus
the unruly weed and the signs of aging was exactly the same. The feel was same
and when the silence crashed into him the voices of the past started to play.
They both sat in silence for a long time and he finally
said, “How are you?” This drew her attention away from the lake towards him and
she smiled in a nod. He started again, “so you still come here?” and her
response was same smile. “The place hasn’t changed much, but seems really
abandoned... young boys and girls don’t seem to come down here anymore like in
our time.” He sighed and continued, “Dad passed away so came down...” At this
she looked at him enquiringly and he said, “Yaa about a week ago... came down
with my family. They left today... but I decided to stay back... don’t know
why...” and he chuckled, “Remember the time when I just wanted to escape from
this place... and today here I am... unable to make up my mind to go back.”
Her responses became redundant and she had her eyes glued to
the rippled surface of the lake and he got a feeling that she was not
interested in talking to him or maybe upset to see him after so long. She must
have had her own life... her family... her kids and meeting old flame can be
disturbing for women, so decided to leave her alone. He looked at her and said,
“I guess I should leave now... it’s getting dark... and you must go home too...
your family must be waiting. Should I walk you down home? Or you prefer going
alone?” and she turned again towards him and this time she wasn’t smiling. He looked
at her face... and something was not right... the fading of smiling was not the
only reason... she looked just the same... the time had no effect on her. She still
looked 21... How was that possible... she wasn’t that kind of girl who would go
for Botox and all. She was simple homely girl... basically a wife material
which he would call her...
This was definitely not real but he just dint want to face
the reality... the truth was hammering him but he shut down his brains. He wanted
to hold that moment which he knew would glide smoothly out of his hands and
nothing but the mist of his memories will stay with him. She got up and spoke
for the first time, “it’s late... walk me down home... my family must be
worried...” She held her hand out and he held it... the warm and soft touch of
her hand sent in a lightening through his spine. He held her hand tight as if
never to leave it. His conscience was bursting in tears and his mind raced...
how life would have had been if he had taken her with him? Would she have become
a better wife? He had cheated on his wife twice but nothing felt like this. He couldn’t
make out whom he was betraying... his wife... the woman walking with him or himself...
They walked silently and then came her home. He stopped
before the gate and loosened his grip on her hand. Her hand slid off his hands
and she walked towards her home. He stood looking at her walking away from him
and tears welled up in his eyes... His vision blurred with tears couldn’t see
her entering the house. He turned away and started walking alone towards his
home.
He reached his home which was dark now. He lighted the house
and sat on his father’s armchair. A balance sheet danced in front of his
eyes... he was trying to make an account his gains and losses. It seemed to
have a perfect balance but somehow the pain associated with the losses stung
his heart. The night passed like a snail and the darkness was seeping into him.
Just before the breaking of dawn something struck him. He had walked her to her
parents home... did that mean she never got married? This was a blow to him...
what if he was the reason for her not getting married? He had to talk to her...
he dint know what exactly but he had to see her... he waited for morning and
these hours were heavier than ever...
The morning arrived with bright rays of sun and chirping of
birds. He dint bother to freshen up and simply walked out of his house. He knocked
at her door and an old man opened the door. This old bloke was her father...
the old man stared at him enquiringly while he simply looked at the framed
photograph of her adorned with garland on the wall behind the old man...
