Ghost of the Past

Twenty years had passed without leaving much trails of the past he once lived in... He thought there was not much to it which he had left behind to peruse. This thought of ignorance was the foundation of the bliss on which he had built his today. His present was unblemished and shining as crystal clear glass... not a spot to conceal... not a splinter to mend... not even hint of grime to wipe out. He was a happy man with a family that loved him... with friends who were loyal to him... and the society that respected him. He was content with his life and the world around... completely unaware of the fact that the corpse of his past had stepped out of its grave.

He was away from his country but he created a diminutive of his homeland around him. He followed the rules laid down in the ancient texts of his religion... he performed rites and rituals and lived in accord to the culture of the country he had left behind twenty years ago. Distance breaks the dormancy of the coldness and the longing bursts open the volcano beneath... and flows down the love and respect for one’s own culture and religion. The people living away from their countries tend to get back to the roots from where they have emerged than those who live there. He himself looked surprised and awestruck at his own image in the mirror when he wore traditional attire... and smirked at the thought how old fashioned and un-cool he considered all this when he was young and lived in his own country with his parents. He had craved to escape from that place and its orthodoxies as soon as he could and breathe free in the fresh airs of a foreign land where nothing could bind him... And now... he was a mature man with slight of grey strands in his dark mane... a few lines on his face that deepened when he smiled or frowned and a little paunch which struggled with his gripping belt... sniffed even a piece of parchment that travelled through his motherland... his home...

One fine day he got a call from his cousin informing him about his father having suffered a massive stroke and he had no option to rush for making arrangement to get back to his home... to be next to his ailing father. His father after the death of his mother chose to live alone in their house where he had spend 50 wonderful years with the woman he loved the most and seen the ups and downs of the life... seen a young son move on with his life... move ahead and never to turn back and return. Last time he had come back to this home when his mother passed on and then it was when he tried to persuade his father to join him and his family, which his father had flatly refused.

He packed his stuff and his wife managed with the rest of the packing. They all left for the airport and awaited the flight to board. His kids though understanding the gravity of the situation could not hide their exhilaration to go back to their roots. He sat quite... he couldn’t participate in any of the mundane things that were happening around him. A kind of fear gripped him... he feared that like his mother he would not be able to have a last word with his father. He thought of the innumerable arguments he had with his father when he was staying with them... and the plethora of silence that congealed between them when he left his home and settled elsewhere. His father hadn’t talked to him since the day he had set his foot outside the house. He could simply not bear watch him move out and hurt his mother. Her tears and longing deepened the silence between the father and son and now he wondered will his father choose to speak to him his final words... He came back to his today with the ring of his cell phone, it was his cousin who informed him that his father was put on ventilator and this assured him that he will indeed be able to meet if not talk with his father for the last time.

The sixteen hour flight had tired him immensely but he chose not to rest but to leave for the hospital from the airport itself. He sent away his wife and children to his ancestral home to freshen up and settle down. He took a taxi to the hospital and on the way soaked himself in the familiar air and the smell of the soil he had craved for. Till his taxi halted before the hospital gate he was in the state of thoughtlessness but the moment he took steps towards the ICU where his father lay counting his last breaths a sense of panic gripped him. His mother when alive was a communication link between them and after his mother, his wife and kids. He had always dreaded to be in the same room with his father as there was nothing to talk about and even if there was, words were just not enough to convey the feelings.

He entered the ICU and sat beside his ailing father. His father seemed so peaceful despite the pain he was in. His presence was noticed and his father struggled with his drooping eyelids to glance at him... the last words his father spoke to him were... “I’ve to get going... she is waiting for me...”

What a wonderful way to go he thought and the tears trickled down his slightly wrinkled face. He removed his specs and wiped the streams oozing out of his eyes and seemed endless. After cremating his father and going through the ordeal of meeting the mourners was simply unbearable for him. He realised that now he was the head of the family... he was left with no one to look upon... his decisions would be final... sardonically they always had been... but loosing parents is a feeling that tears off the last shred that connects you with your childhood... the days innocence... and the moments of being carefree. A week had passed with mourning guests and umpteen visitors who paid condolences to him. It had finally seeped into him that he was orphaned... and now he had to stand alone...

His stay in there was almost over and his wife had started wrapping up... he too felt the need to get over this lethargic pain and move on... but something kept him anchored down. He finally decided that he shall extend his leave and stay back for a while. His wife was worried for him but he assured her that he will be fine after she and the kids leave. It took him a while to convince his wife but she seemed to have understood that all he needed was solitude. He sent off his family back and instead of taking a cab from the airport he walked down.

The dusk had crept in and the sky was getting darker... a splash of colours spread through the horizon and he walked on. When he stopped walking and looked around he realised that he wasn’t standing before his own house... it was that place... the place where his past awaited him...

He was standing before the old ruins of a vibrant place where he would often hangout with his friends when he was in college. This relic was the reminiscence of his “good ol’ days”... This place was always in ruins but now it seemed more abandoned. With the oncoming of pubs and discos this place failed to attract the youth. It was leftovers of an old ‘could have been’ a haveli or something of that sorts. He and his friends would often come down to this place to get high. The voices from the distant past were echoing around... “Man! This place gives a better kick!!! Even more than this joint!!!” echoed the voice of his own along with the cheers of his friends. He smiled to himself and walked around to peruse the place...

This place had all the accounts of the “fun” he had in his youth. This was the place where he had brought her along with him on their first date. The date concept didn’t exist in his time nor did the cosy coffee shops that avail utmost privacy to the couples today. When you are young the possibilities are abundant and nothing seems impossible... the first love would be the last and be the eternal one...  and every love story in itself was capable of making it to the accounts of history... he smiled once again. He never thought that one day he will have to leave his home... his family... and her and move on in life. When he had told her that it’s time for him to move on and chase his aspirations, she had given him a warm smile in his support.

“My father doesn’t understand me sweetheart... he wants me to join the family business and I want to make it big in life... all by myself. My dreams and aspirations are beyond his typical business class mentality. I want to travel around the world... explore places that offer a lot more than money... it’s just that I want to break free...” he turned towards her and asked, “you’re understanding what I am saying... right?” and to this she dint reply but simply smiled at him. He started discussing his plans with her and she just stared at the lake in front of them. The lake was free of ripples... calm... and so was she. She nodded once or twice and he kept on talking. She dint question him nor did he think it was important for him to say anything about their relationship.

About one year back he had brought her the first time to this place and then they visited often... this relic had registered every account of their love... their union to their parting away. He had promised to meet her one last time before he left to the far off country but couldn’t make it on the last moment. Their parting away had no goodbyes...

He walked towards the lake thinking about the time he had spent with her. The memories of his first love never followed him in his desired journey... it had faded in the bright luminance of his success.  He loved his wife but somehow the place had its own effect on him... and he just couldn’t stop the flashback running in his brain. Her face was so vivid... her fragrance lingered around and he felt her presence. He could see her in front of the lake where they once sat together. He thought he was imagining but the image dint fade even if he looked away and blinked over and over. This was something he hadn’t expected... he was not sure of walking towards her or not but his feet gained momentum. He reached her... and to his amazement she was sitting there...

He thought for a moment and then sat beside her keeping a distance and then she tilted her head in his direction (oh! He loved the way she would look at him tilting her head and gazing at him through the curtain of her lustrous black hair...). He was awestruck again but managed to smile. It was like travelling through time... That moment seemed so primordial to him... it seemed to be a story of some other age... or some other birth. The place minus the unruly weed and the signs of aging was exactly the same. The feel was same and when the silence crashed into him the voices of the past started to play.

They both sat in silence for a long time and he finally said, “How are you?” This drew her attention away from the lake towards him and she smiled in a nod. He started again, “so you still come here?” and her response was same smile. “The place hasn’t changed much, but seems really abandoned... young boys and girls don’t seem to come down here anymore like in our time.” He sighed and continued, “Dad passed away so came down...” At this she looked at him enquiringly and he said, “Yaa about a week ago... came down with my family. They left today... but I decided to stay back... don’t know why...” and he chuckled, “Remember the time when I just wanted to escape from this place... and today here I am... unable to make up my mind to go back.”

Her responses became redundant and she had her eyes glued to the rippled surface of the lake and he got a feeling that she was not interested in talking to him or maybe upset to see him after so long. She must have had her own life... her family... her kids and meeting old flame can be disturbing for women, so decided to leave her alone. He looked at her and said, “I guess I should leave now... it’s getting dark... and you must go home too... your family must be waiting. Should I walk you down home? Or you prefer going alone?” and she turned again towards him and this time she wasn’t smiling. He looked at her face... and something was not right... the fading of smiling was not the only reason... she looked just the same... the time had no effect on her. She still looked 21... How was that possible... she wasn’t that kind of girl who would go for Botox and all. She was simple homely girl... basically a wife material which he would call her...

This was definitely not real but he just dint want to face the reality... the truth was hammering him but he shut down his brains. He wanted to hold that moment which he knew would glide smoothly out of his hands and nothing but the mist of his memories will stay with him. She got up and spoke for the first time, “it’s late... walk me down home... my family must be worried...” She held her hand out and he held it... the warm and soft touch of her hand sent in a lightening through his spine. He held her hand tight as if never to leave it. His conscience was bursting in tears and his mind raced... how life would have had been if he had taken her with him? Would she have become a better wife? He had cheated on his wife twice but nothing felt like this. He couldn’t make out whom he was betraying... his wife... the woman walking with him or himself...

They walked silently and then came her home. He stopped before the gate and loosened his grip on her hand. Her hand slid off his hands and she walked towards her home. He stood looking at her walking away from him and tears welled up in his eyes... His vision blurred with tears couldn’t see her entering the house. He turned away and started walking alone towards his home.

He reached his home which was dark now. He lighted the house and sat on his father’s armchair. A balance sheet danced in front of his eyes... he was trying to make an account his gains and losses. It seemed to have a perfect balance but somehow the pain associated with the losses stung his heart. The night passed like a snail and the darkness was seeping into him. Just before the breaking of dawn something struck him. He had walked her to her parents home... did that mean she never got married? This was a blow to him... what if he was the reason for her not getting married? He had to talk to her... he dint know what exactly but he had to see her... he waited for morning and these hours were heavier than ever...

The morning arrived with bright rays of sun and chirping of birds. He dint bother to freshen up and simply walked out of his house. He knocked at her door and an old man opened the door. This old bloke was her father... the old man stared at him enquiringly while he simply looked at the framed photograph of her adorned with garland on the wall behind the old man...